Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
