see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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