Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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