I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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