mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
be right there i have to get my cape
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize