I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
