It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
