I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
