Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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