I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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