3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
