I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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