Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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