My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
