It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I won the penis lottery.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It was a blind-side dick pic.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
