This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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