My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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