today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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