i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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