At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
