The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
