oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Quick, to the slutcave!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
