My room smells like vodka and shame
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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