Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
