i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You made out with two different species that night
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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