dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
