I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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