Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
