I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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