He disabled his match.com account in front of me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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