The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
