and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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