john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
