Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
