After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
