Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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