Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
