so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
