she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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