I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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