if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
