Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
did i walk over a car last night?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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