Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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