I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
