Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
