How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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