What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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