I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
