i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
