We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
