i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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