I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
