you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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