Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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