South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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