I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
