garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Bring me that man meat
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
