What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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