there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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