I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
